Feeling pregnant :)

On the way!

Sitting upright with arms up at the sides -
you can see the nose and mouth a little bit :)

Time to start chronicling the journey toward parenthood. Admittedly I've been waiting for a time that I might feel great and could blog lines like "yay this is fabulous!"  Still waiting! 

In the meantime it's been a unique experience so far!

Gummy Bear!
At week 10 we had an ultrasound, and the tech described the unformed limbs as like a gummy bear.  I like that little pet name for now :) 


Symptoms
I feel like if you googled "pregnancy symptoms" I've had at least a taste of many of them thus far.  At first it wasn't too bad.  Right around six weeks - which was mid-July - the fatigue set in!  I would take a nap around 12:30 - wake up at 2 and head back to sleep at 2:30-ish until dinner time.  I am not one to lounge around - so it was bizarre to get up in the morning and think "I wish I could just sleep the entire day."  Or have a day of simply watching Netflix and think at dinner time - "I'm completely exhausted." 

Finally made time to clean out the 'nursery' - had a ton of stuff!

That shifted to a general nausea feeling, which quickly transitioned to full out sickness every day - morning and evening and throughout the night.  I'd wake up and nibble on some crackers - but often I'd still be awake an hour later.  So I'd make some fairly elaborate snacks at 3 AM - sandwiches, cheese and crackers platter, anything with protein that seemed edible at the time. 

I've been very congested and sneezy also, which I've read is 'normal.'  Though I'm not as fatigued as I was back in July - I still have zero energy, and expending much tends to result in greater sickness and mandatory time on the couch.  By and large I am ok in the morning and throughout the day until around 7PM - and then I'm quite miserable. 

Not my own pic - but this looks awesome

Food and drink
Yeah I am disappointed that I'm not at the "mmmmm FOOOD" stage I've heard rumors about.  Generally I try to think of what sounds the most tolerable at the moment, which amazingly comes with precision.  I've had some very bad bets - including lasagna and salad.  At the moment I seem to do best with some lean protein and fake cheese sauce/melted American cheese.  Many times I wish I could go without food, but empty stomach is never good.  I can name a zillion things that sound terrible to me - including pretty much any raw veggies, fruit, and peanut butter - but aside from cake (CAKE!), I don't crave anything ever.

I don't really drink coffee anymore.  I really didn't understand how anyone could give up coffee on the spot - until now.  Iced tea's been a good charm though!  Drinking water is the best thing you can do I hear - and just isn't happening.  I try - but the feeling of water just sitting in my stomach is super unpleasant.  Ick.

For most of the summer - and even now - I (we've) subsisted on Biscuitville, Panera, Chick Fil A and Greek Fiesta.  My dear husband's been a champ and very supportive - in every way, but especially when it comes to food.  There for a LONG while I couldn't even walk into a grocery store - but "cooking" is coming more naturally these days.  Microwave works great!

I cooked for the wing contest.
It was exhausting, but fun!

Weight gains and changes 
At 15 weeks I'm just up 5 pounds, which I suppose is on track?  Interestingly it all came in one two-day spurt - going steady for 8 weeks with no weight gain, and no more since.  Coincidentally I'd spent a long weekend with family and friends in VA - so it was clearly influential! :)  I did have to gain about 12 pounds in order to kickstart the whole fertility thing - so not worried at this point.  I do seem to have a bigger belly and shorts/pants are not comfy anymore. I did have a shopping spree at Macy's a while back and got those pants and skirts with the stretchy waistband.  Those jeans are the best thing ever - I'm not going back!

Exercise
Interestingly I've gotten sick most every time I've gone for a walk.  I don't go at any rapid pace by any means - strolling along with Buddy and sniffing whatever we see.  So I'm not pushing myself too much.  Similarly, I also had to curb running and my strength building videos last March - so I am trying to receive this as a season of rest.  I am getting into yoga some - its hard to get geared up for it initially as there's no cardio-high - but afterwards I always feel incredible!!  Now that the humidity is gone and temps are lower I am itching to get back outside again.  My in-laws are already checking into baby joggers - stoked!

Just for Fun 
I love this commercial.  Always makes me smile. :) Especially the line at the end "eh - I feel like it makes me look pregnant." 

With an outstretched hand...

A swarm of people were following Jesus, crowding in on him. A woman was there who had been bleeding for twelve years. She had suffered a lot under the care of many doctors, and had spent everything she had without getting any better. In fact, she had gotten worse. Because she had heard about Jesus, she came up behind him in the crowd and touched his clothes. She was thinking, If I can just touch his clothes, I’ll be healed. (Mark 5:24-28 CEB)

This past week's reading is still with me.  It's one that I've reflected on often these past couple of years. This story is about a woman who suffers from chronic illness for twelve years. More than just a year. Or five. Or even ten. Beyond a clear and acceptable mark of time. Any hope of "well after this year, surely I'll be healed" is good and gone by now.

She's seen doctor after doctor. Carved out time in her weeks to seek the advice and diagnosis from a professional. Paid time and again for appointments, medicines, traveling costs perhaps.  She wasn't getting better.  She was getting worse. Again, logic is defied. "Fifth time's the charm?" None of these doctors could heal her of her afflictions.

I do not suffer from such a severe condition, particularly one that inhibited her presence in worship, or even in public. I do have pain in my feet, calves, legs, hips. It started just in the left foot, and now is both. It greets me early in the morning and lingers throughout the day. It was terrible - then almost gone - then hit both legs with a vengeance. Going on two years. Like this woman, I've visited many doctors: a general practitioner, podiatrist, chiropractor, and masseuse. Stretches and cortisone shots. I have purchased sturdy shoes as well as the 'coolest' looking non-flip flops or dress shoes that stand out in the summer. I love my foam roller. My compression sleeves. My epsom salt baths. Insoles. Icy Hot. No running. How about yoga?

I fully recognize how mild my pain is in comparison with those who struggle with all kinds of chronic pain. Day after day, waking up to the same lingering feelings. Maybe, one day, symptoms subside to provide hope. Another, they flare up and you feel back at square one. Or a couple steps back.  Time becomes frozen.  Longing for the past, when you didn't feel so stuck.  Striving for the future, when you will be free. Such a situation is glaringly stagnant in the present. Every day comes and goes, seemingly like the last, and whether you feel a sense of progress or not, the light at the end of the tunnel never seems to change.

Maybe it's not pain, but some other desire of the heart. A dwindling hope for a gift or transformation of one's present situation that is yet to come. Time is beyond control.  All we have...is faith.

And that is where this story greets us: "Because she had heard about Jesus, she came up behind him in the crowd and touched his clothes. She was thinking, If I can just touch his clothes, I’ll be healed." (vs. 27-28)

Perhaps this day is no different than any other: I've tried everything I can think of.  And yet, there is the promise of healing. All I need to do is touch this man's robe. Faith perpetuates her continued pursuit of healing.  She saw many doctors. She spent all her money.  She wasn't better. She was worse. And yet, she still trusts that, some day, God will heal her. Rather than desperation, I wonder if it was simply a call to try the next thing.  She didn't know if it would work. Doubt creeps in. The great crowd surrounding Jesus surely blocked her way. Insecurities and inhibitions must have worked to talk her out of even showing up.  But with hand outstretched, she touches him.

The story has a happy ending.  She is healed after twelve years of suffering. But some of the power of this story comes well ahead of this healing. Her faith encourages her to continue stretching out - neglecting the years and years of "it'll never work", refusing the impatience of "can't I be well already?!" Here in the present, she reaches out in faith. Faith sustains her. Day after day. After day. In that moment she hears "your faith has made you well." In the midst of pain, of suffering, of doubt, it is by faith we are saved.

"Faith is the confidence that what we hope for will actually happen; it gives us assurance about things we cannot see" Hebrews 11:1 NLT

How is going to a grocery store like going to church?

For at least a year I have been contemplating how to replicate the experience of being in a grocery store at church. Or more specifically, how to excite people about going to church the way I get excited about going to grocery stores. I know I have an unhealthy obsession with such stores- and I sense coming to an "a-ha" type resolution. 

This past November I went to Publix's grand opening in Cary- just before Thanksgiving and Christmas cooking and baking. The lines were extensive, parking lot jampacked, and even the news cameras showed up! [Think Black Friday!]  I received a green bag and green carnation- lots of samples and eager hosts. But for me, Publix was huge. It felt very institutional. I also really disliked the way they explicitly put down Harris Teeter in order to promote themselves. As the new kid on the block, seemed very assertive and negative. I haven't really gone back. 

Today I attended the grand opening for Earth Fare in Morrisville. Similarly, I couldn't find a parking spot, I got a new bag, and plentiful samples. But there seemed to be a different spirit - the managers shook hands with every visitor, employees eagerly asked for email addresses to communicate coupons for their specific location, and all were eager to be helpful and offer tastes, answer questions, and otherwise engage shoppers. 

Recently I have discussed the importance of events in attracting new visitors- grand re-openings, I suppose. Marketing of one-time events convey a sense of excitement and urgency - specific date, time, and location info enables new people to understand how they might engage a long-standing place like a church. 

But for me, what matters more than openings/re-openings is the lasting power of the experience to transform patterns and habits. To induce others to engage a new environment requires thoughtful planning, vision-casting, and energy that flows from leadership through to all those who seek to invite and create environments of hospitality. 

I offer just a few of the things I've noticed that excite me most about being in some of my favorite grocery stores and perpetuate my spending. 

Good coffee: No joke! At two of my favorites, both Trader Joes and The Fresh Market, they have awesome coffee that offer bottomless free samples. I recently was in charge of coffee at a meeting, and the speaker commented on how pleasant of a surprise that was. He explained how good coffee demonstrates love and hospitality- readiness to serve others and, to that end, investing money to achieve results. 

Fun and pleasant atmosphere: At The Fresh Market, there is low-lighting, soothing music, and space to just walk around. Things are in order and it's easy to explore. At Trader Joes, there is always fun music playing, and people are conversing about different ways to utilize random ingredients. I can literally sense myself feeling more at ease as I am simply present in my wanderings. 

Innovation: At Trader Joes, there are many items continuously available. Some favorites that endure. There are some (I learned the hard way) that are only seasonal. Stock up, because once they run out, it's over. But TJs always has one or two products for each category that are new and different.  Some go with current trends - like coconut flour - others are random, like partially-popped popcorn.  Not every new product is a home run (like that popcorn), but it is still exciting to walk in and wonder what you might find that is distinct and novel.

Small and personal: One of the most heartwarming experiences lately was, upon walking into Trader Joe's after not being there for a long time, was when one of the employees said, "I haven't seen you lately - where have you been?" Or another Saturday afternoon one said, "you normally come on weekday mornings, don't you?" They know me, maybe not by name, but have a general sense of who I am and how I operate in relation to their store. There are three women who seem to rotate through the back station of snacks and coffee, and it is fun to strike up conversations with them.  At The Fresh Market, I love to chat with the woman who bags up my chicken. They feel like friends as opposed to employees.  Even when these stores are fuller than usual (its nice in the mornings when no one is there), they still evoke a sense of community that is hard to get at places like Harris Teeter or Lowe's Foods.

Employees are happy: By and large, I've never experienced anyone less than enthusiastic and genuinely happy to be where they work - at least that is projected from their attitude and demeanor. It is fun to be in a place where others enjoy being and who are service-oriented to make the experience enjoyable and successful. When the clerks and cashiers appear excited and grounded in the mission of the store, it demonstrates a clear understanding of that mission to provide customers with a top-rate experience.

All this to say, I get excited like others to go and check out new places, grand openings, get the free reusable grocery bag, and be amidst the new hubbub in town.  But it seems as though the real objective of such events is to connect with customers so that they return and readjust shopping patterns.

For me, I enjoy being in places that are smaller and more intimate, which foster an experience rather than accomplishing a task.  I know others appreciate the amenities of the larger stores who offer assistance and services smaller stores cannot.  Society thrives on diversity of options, and the best course of action for each store, church, or organization, is to be true to who you intend to be.  Play to your strengths and strive to communicate your specific mission to those with whom you work and serve.  Big can be good, and numbers are exciting.  But smaller venues attract and retain a different clientele and provide a vastly different experience for others. I suggest that at the end of the day, be clear about what you hope to accomplish and work for excellence - even if it only touches one person.

Peace in the midst

Last night, I had a fairly restless night.  I've been falling asleep early, waking up around 1AM, and being wide awake.  Once my body gets up, my mind starts to run away and sound sleep feels far from possible.  I read once that counting backwards by 3, starting at a high number like 500, can help to quiet thoughts, but nothing seemed to help. 

I had a fascinating experience in the middle of tossing and turning.  For some reason, I was trying to recall a passage of scripture that describes Jesus resting.  The ones where he slips away to pray came to mind, but did not seem to ease my racing thoughts. 

A little while later, I was reminded of Jesus in the boat with the disciples.  A great storm arises, the ship is beginning to sink, and they are distraught to find Jesus sound asleep below deck.  (Found in the Gospels of Matthew, Mark, and Luke.)  What captured my mind was that even in the midst of a great storm, Jesus is resting.  Though the wind and the water create violent disruption, the world quite literally turning upside down, He is able to remain at peace and rest. 

This site gives insight into the power of this experience, that it clarifies the humanity of Jesus, that the significant work of ministry accomplished daily requires powerful rest and renewal.  Even Christ our Lord was able to quiet His mind enough to be at peace, even in the midst of surrounding storms. 

How am I clinging to what I can control, what I feel so led to think through and process, rather than surrendering daily my hopes, dreams, agenda, plans, ambition, and pride to the one who is more than able to care for every need.  How many verses speak to the need to cast our cares upon the Lord, for he cares for us...to share His yoke, which is light.  May I remember always that sleep at night is just as necessary for fruitful ministry as anything I do during the day.

This week!

Fun flowers we (Buddy and me) saw on our walk

It was a fun week cooking in the Stewart house.  The day after Easter I was zonked.  I went to Trader Joe's, after having planned out a few meals...and when I went to check out my cart was OVERFLOWING.  Like - bigger than I've ever filled one before (granted TJ's carts are small).  And I had a big watermelon inside.  But still...stopped me in my tracks.  Mostly because we were planning to leave for a week and already had food at home.  I thought, "there's no way we'll eat all of this."  So...in my zombie-esque stumbling I went back around and put several things back. 

I must also say - I had about 3-4 mini-cups of coffee - I'm spoiled by TJ's free coffee!

I then swung by The Fresh Market (a sucker for free coffee!) - and had fun staring at grains, sauces, and such.  It is good to just explore and get a feel for prices and random ingredients. TFM has anything yuppie-ish you may need for a fancypants recipe. 

Anyhoot, my friend Sarah's been cooking up a storm lately and is re-inspiring me.  She sent me this cool link - Hungry Happens - some great ideas that are healthy and many are gluten-free or vegan or easily adaptable!

Mike loves watermelon - and I mixed in some basil and goat cheese (could have been feta) and didn't have any limes - but tried with lemon.  Lime would have been better!  Here's the inspiration!

Of course, I had to enter the EPA Pie Contest.  I didn't know what to make, so I googled "Ree Drummond Pie recipes" as my mom suggested her as a great resource.  I stumbled upon the "Pie That'll Make You Cry" - and went for this one.  Basically her re-visiting of traditional pecan pie - but I don't know what she changed!  I did read before that the key to keeping pecan pies from being too runny is the egg yolks - so don't short-change yours.  I agree with her that its hard to gauge just how long to bake.  Ours ended up being about 1 hour!  I did use TJ's frozen pie crusts, a cashier said they were really good back when I made Mike a blueberry pie for his birthday last month.  She instructs you to put all the pecan pieces at the bottom, and then pourover the liquid - the pecans rise to the top.  I agree with her that you use the chopped pecans because when you cut the big pecans, the fold into the pie and it gets even more messy than it already is!  Mike suggested making something chocolate, and it wasn't til AFTER that I remembered a Chocolate Bourbon Pecan Pie I made before for Thanksgiving!  Oh well!

mmmm pie. 

For Mike's mom's birthday, we had Lemon-scented Crispy chicken Thighs!  It took me most of Friday to find a "14" Oven-proof Skillet" - spoiler alert: they don't exist in Cary!  But I did find a good one at Target that was 12".  I ended up making chicken thighs, breasts, and two legs.  TFM didn't have bone-in, skin-on chicken thighs, which I think would have been better.  But I still got a good sear on the meat.  The meal was hearty and a good "center of the plate" dish.  I served it with some bread and salad.  Works well with my in-laws who like to all eat at the same time (in other words - the make-your-own-pizza night wasn't as well-received).  The recipe calls for fresh-made croutons, but I cheated and got pre-made ones that looked awesome - also at TFM!

Btw - her cookbook Kitchen Confidence is super fun and I recommend it!

Mike's mom, Joanne, also loves molten cake!  So I attempted personal chocolate molten lava cakes.  I used Ree's recipe again - using powdered sugar.  I read in her blog that an extra yolk makes it even more runny.  I liked the blend of bittersweet and semi-sweet chocolates - it was very rich but good.  And the 13 minute bake time was right on!  Made for a very nice birthday cake!  Fortunately we found a candle hidden in the drawer :-)

New Schedule

Mike and I have been having fun new culinary adventures.  We've really gotten into watching cooking shows together, which makes it difficult to not want to snack after dinner!  But we've learned a lot about food just from watching others' techniques and gleaned inspiration from others' creations. It is hard to work full time and also make time to cook - and harder yet to blog about it.  But I still feel a pull to want to - a hobby I suppose! 

Note the 'crunchified' burger!

Through watching shows, however, we realize that Bobby Flay is the core of all that is Food Network.  I'm amazed by 'Beat Bobby Flay' where a cook comes and brings his/her best dish, and on the fly Bobby Flay can create a unique twist on that dish (e.g., crab cakes, mac and cheese, burgers) and beat the competitor!  Pretty incredible. We love watching Damaris - the newest FN Star - and "Southern at Heart."  She's so funky and quirky.  I love Kelsey Nixon - and from getting her newest cookbook, I'm excited to gain 'Kitchen Confidence.'


So as this post states -we have a 'new schedule,' or two really.  One involves our meals, and the other involves shopping!  We are doing: Meat-less Mondays, Taco Tuesdays (anything in a wrap/shell!), Wacky Wednesdays (since I'm at work, Mike is free to go wild!), Take-out Thursday (where I generally still cook something - ha!), and Fish Friday.  We haven't pinned down Saturday/Sunday - but often we'll go out and have some sort of burger (fish, veggie, beef, turkey, chicken...). Yum-O.  Makes it much easier at least for now to have some sort of 'plan' when I need to meal plan!

So good!

I've also gleaned new ideas and energy just from walking through Trader Joe's, where I tend to go on Mondays.  I particularly like walking along the frozen food aisle and seeing the many options, especially ethnic foods.  I've told many people about this pilaf (someone else's blog and thoughts!).  It's super good!  Love the flavor in it - and it was really quick to heat up.  It is great to know that TJ's now has so much that is organic - a growing trend I sense.  

Anyhow, I've also enjoyed perusing other grocery stores.  I know life would go on, but I'd be less inspired were I not to live in such a great location for food stores.  In addition to Trader Joe's, I also love a weekly visit to The Fresh Market, which seems to be popping up more and more.  They caught my attention with their $2.99 Tuesdays - where chicken breasts go on a great sale.  The chicken is the best tasting we've had - and I suppose it's one notch below full 'Organic.'  Their produce tends to be equal/less than other stores I've found.  The meat and seafood is also incredible - pre-prepped poultry dishes always make my mouth water. Generally the 'other' parts of the store (most everything else) is fairly pricey.  And they don't have an incredible selection...but what they have is great quality.  You could find almost anything obscure there!  Mike loves their kaiser rolls. 

I also tend to make it to Harris Teeter within a given week - their sales coming on Wednesdays and Fridays - and usually if there's something that I find a particularly good deal on (milk, toilet paper) I'll drop in.  But generally not otherwise.  They have just redone the larger HT near us (yes I'm spoiled with THREE within reasonable driving distance).  There's a new hot Asian bar where you can buy prepared asian foods fresh out of woks'.  They also have a full out pizza bar with decent looking gourmet slices - I know Mike would love that!

I sound like I should be a grocery store reviewer!  What I do love is that at the above three places, you get free samples!  TJ and TFM give small cups of coffee (refillable, of course!),

Smells amazing

and HT has a fun bread section, generally testing something I've not tried before.  Walking through these spaces helps my mind relax and focus on something else...and yet drives me to get to cooking.  My fridge and pantry is generally way more full than anything we'd ever be able to eat. 

I am hopeful to start a project that's been brewing in my mind - and maybe by writing about it, it will come to fruition.  Like I said, I look to Kelsey Nixon for inspiration.  Her show, Kelsey's essentials, focuses on what the basics are of cooking.  I am envisioning a book that is 'Amie's Essentials', the basic recipes that I turn to on a regular basis - my mom's cookies, my aunt's banana's bread, my friend's tuna steak, and others.  But I'd also like some good 'go-to' and quick meals for during the week.  I find those are the hardest to dream up on the fly, especially when I need to plan meals quickly.  Though obviously I don't find it hard to have a reason to pop in a grocery store multiple times a week. 

Anyhow, I have a white binder and some dividers that I imagine creating sections for various ideas - almost like a 'scrapbook' of my greatest hits.  I do hope to get this going over the summer, on top of all my aspirations for a season that's already chock full!  More to come!

Excited to turn 31!

I am thankful for this new year of life.  30 was a great year - so much happened, and I learned a lot about myself.  But in this new year, I anticipate even greater things to abound. 

I know it seems silly to think I'm "older" - even as I serve alongside folks who are in their mid-90's!!  But I feel I'm starting to gain a bit of perspective.  And one of the most important lessons is the value of time.  It seems to be the one resource that is not renewable.  Each day comes and goes - and the necessity to make it count becomes ever more urgent.  I am trying to slow down and take it all in, but the moments are ever fleeting. 

One thing that seemed to 'haunt' me in the past few months was the desire to capture these moments - perhaps because they are so fleeting.  A special event.  A well-made meal.  A new insight.  A new friend, even.  I am hopeful that in this new year, I'll take time to record these moments of gratitude.  Much of life is to be lived, and memories made to cherish.  But recording how these special highlights affect my perspective is an invaluable investment of time and energy. 

There are certain things now that I am starting to enjoy even more now. 
- An incredible sunset, where the sky seems vast, colors flow in and out and change with the rising and setting of the sun. 
- Escaping into time with music, and allowing words, tones, bass notes and beautiful voices to carry me into vastness. 
- Walking along paths through the trees, whether on harder rock or soft sand, taking time to appreciate each step and the surroundings. 
- Recognition of voices, loving the familiarity of friends' unique laughter, speech, and hearing certain stories over and again.

As I begin to trade in my running shoes for a yoga mat, I'm thankful for the centeredness it is bringing to my life.  And I hope that each day continues to center around the grace found in Jesus.  The redemption that comes with surrendering ambition and being hopeful and assured that renewal follows.